Now that I’m finally sitting on the other side of the recruiting table, I’ve picked up on a couple of things. For instance, employment requires a lot of paperwork. I’m talking mountains and mountains of paperwork. Tax forms, HR documents, benefit forms, employee profiles – the list goes on and on. And sometimes employment requires a drug test. Such was the case for me. Welcome to life in corporate America.
I have to admit that I was somewhat annoyed that I had to take a drug test at all. Not that the test would uncover any substances (besides trace amounts of wine and chocolate), but it was inconvenient and seemed just a touch Big Brother. However, the drug screen wasn’t bothersome enough for me to make a big deal about it, so I just swallowed my pride and resigned myself to peeing in a cup at the nearest lab.
I arranged to take my pre-employment drug screen shortly after I received my offer letter. I had my morning all planned out: 8am wakeup, 9am drug screen, and 10am yoga. Look at me being all healthy and productive!
I arrived at the lab and signed yet more paperwork to authorize the drug screen. The lab assistant patted down my pockets, locked up my purse, and then escorted me to the bathroom. I sat down and… nothing. I tried to think about flowing rivers and gentle ocean waves. Still nothing… and then at last something! Unfortunately, I’m an unpracticed hand at this whole “peeing in a cup” thing, so I generally missed. As it turns out, that was a HUGE executional error. I nervously walked out of the bathroom, desperately hoping that my cup runneth enough-eth even if it didn’t runneth over. No such luck: the lab assistant took one look at my cup and shook her head.
“Sweetie, that’s not enough. You have two options. One, you could stay here and retake the test. As long as you take it within three hours of when you checked in, it will count. You can’t go anywhere though. You have to stay here in the waiting area. You also have the option to not retake the screen; in that case, this attempt will be recorded as a refusal.”
This was a DISASTER. I had recruited for all of my second year and nearly a full year post-graduation; after that excruciating effort, I had finally landed an interesting job at a good company. And I was in danger of losing my offer because I couldn’t pee in a cup. I thought about all the boring and painful interviews that I thought were safely behind me; if I could not perform this basic bodily task, I could look forward to a future of yet more awkward and tiresome interviews. Absolutely not. I hadn’t come this far to get sent back to square one.
I consented to retake the test and then I did what any logical person would do: I immediately pounded five cups of water. Then I sat down and began to play the waiting game. After about 30 minutes, the lab assistant motioned to me to follow her back to the testing area. I had a bit of performance anxiety, though, so I requested to wait another 30 minutes. I felt that I had only one more shot, and I didn’t want to take any chances. She rolled her eyes, but agreed to let me wait another 30 minutes. I went back to reading, and the lab assistant went back to talking on the phone. In between paragraphs, I caught snippets of her conversation.
“Honey, it would be great if we could reschedule. Today is just jammed for me…”
“How’s your brother? He seemed really beat last week...”
“Nah, slow here right now. Just waiting on a shy guy...”
Hey, I wasn’t a shy guy! I was just a not-quite-adequately-hydrated guy.
After another 30 minutes, the lab assistant came to get me once more. I literally didn’t know if I had it in me, but I had no choice. It was now or never. Once again, the lab assistant patted down my clothing, locked up my purse, and escorted me to the bathroom. I would have found all the security precautions hilarious if I weren’t so worried about the very real possibility of not being able to provide an adequate urine sample. Seriously, anyone who believes me capable of tampering with a lab specimen has clearly never seen my chemistry grades. There is a reason why I bid chemistry an abrupt but joyous farewell halfway through my senior year in high school.
This was the moment. I tried to psych myself up and think positive thoughts. A Chicago team had actually managed to win a championship; surely, I could pee in a cup.
And you know what? I peed in a freaking cup. Give me a gold star. Grinning victoriously, I walked out of the bathroom and handed my cup to the lab assistant. I was clearly quite pleased with myself. However, the lab assistant didn’t seem sufficiently impressed by my achievement. I guess that’s what happens when you administer drug tests every day: you become too jaded to appreciate the human ability to pee on command, a skill that most of us mastered around the age of three.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Interview Hell Hall of Fame
Now that I’ve been off the interview circuit for nearly two full months, I thought it was time to look back and make my selections for the Interview Hell Hall of Fame.
The first nod goes to an advertising agency that I interviewed with in December of 2009. I arrived at the office about 15 minutes early for my 9AM interview, and got busy filling out the paperwork that the receptionist gave me. (Hooray – an employment application! That must mean that there’s actually a job!) A few minutes later, my HR contact came to get me. As we strolled from the elevator, she informed me that I was going to take a brief test – an assessment if you will. Nothing to worry about she assured me. This was the same test that they had undergraduate analysts take. She was sure that I would do quite well. (If you’re so sure, then why do I still have to take this stupid test?) She got me settled into the test room (an empty office), and explained the logistics. I would have three hours (what happened to brief?!) to take the three part test. The first section was an Excel test, the second was a very short marketing case question, and the third section was composed of a couple of brainteasers. I immediately realized that I had not consumed enough coffee to prepare me for the morning that I was going to have.
I quickly read through all three parts, and determined that the Excel section would require the lion’s share of my efforts. I had seen both of the brainteasers before in trading interviews (ha!) and I was going to be able to easily answer the shit out of the marketing case question thanks to my good friends, the 4 P’s and the 3 C’s.
Resigning myself to the unpleasant task at hand, I opened the Excel assessment to find an unformatted spreadsheet with sales data for a theoretical retailer. My job was to summarize the retailer’s business performance over the past year, noting high points and low points, as well as make recommendations for the upcoming holiday season. Please note that said performance summaries and recommendations were to be put into a short Power Point deck. And the company was still running Office 2003, not 2007 (aka the version that I am better versed in). Ugh.
I scrolled through the sales data, and sat in momentary panic for a moment. I briefly entertained the idea of walking out, but I soon thought better of it. I told myself to man up, and I began my analysis in earnest. I pivot tabled away, and soon a clear picture of the retailer’s performance began to emerge. I sketched out a short deck on paper, and then began to put together the actual deck in Power Point. Unfortunately, I soon found myself in the middle of a no-holds-barred brawl with the Chart Wizard. What was wrong with the charting functionality in 2003? Why wouldn’t it behave nicely like the 2007 version? One thing was for sure: I wanted to kick that machine.
After wringing my hands for a few moments, I realized that I didn’t have enough time to turn in a deck with both quality content and stylish formatting. I made the game time decision to focus on content. Thus decided on the “basic” approach, I quickly pounded out a deck and turned my attention to the next section.
The marketing case was really a very simple product launch question. It was clearly no match for an MBA who had mastered the 4 P’s and 3 C’s. I got to work and in no time, I had concisely answered the question and made it my bitch.
Last section. First brainteaser: how many cats are there in the United States? The actual number isn’t what’s important; what they want to see is the logic I use to come to a solution. There are approximately 115 million households in the United States. I decided to assume that a certain percentage of households had cats, and out of that percentage, some had a single cat while others had multiple cats. In addition, I had to account for strays; I did so by assuming that the stray cat population actually outnumbered the adopted cat population. In layman's terms, I multiplied the adopted cat population by two to reach my final answer. (If I wanted to get cute, I could have noted the correlation between the number of single women and cats, but I decided not to go that route.) My assumptions were laid out so I just did a couple of quick calculations and presto, I had the cat population. Suffice it to say, some of my assumptions were off, but I thought my approach was valid. (Approximately 32% of households own cat(s)? Dang, I thought the number would be a lot lower.)
Second brainteaser: You have a balance scale and nine balls. All of the balls are identical, but one of the balls is heavier than the others. What is the minimum number of times that you would have to use the scale to find the heavier ball?
Thank you trading. You are about to save me a lot of time and brainpower. Two. Final answer. (Place 3 balls on each side of the scale and put 3 aside. If the scale balances, you know that the heavier ball is in the set sitting off to the side. If the scale doesn’t balance, you know that the heavier ball is in the set that is heavier on the scale. One you’ve narrowed it down to 3 balls, then place one on each side of the scale, and put one aside. The logic is the same as above.)
Incredibly happy to be done, I turned my test in. I had more interviews in the afternoon, but first it was lunch time. Unfortunately for me, it was a working lunch. To be clear, every time that you interact with someone from the company during the application process, it is an interview; that being said, was it really that crazy of me to assume that I’d actually get to eat during lunch? An analyst took me out for lunch at a nearby restaurant, but she couldn’t stop asking questions. She did not relent for the entire time that we were out, so I wound up trying to cram food into my mouth during the 5 second pause between questions. I was in famished super bitch mode at this point so I really did not appreciate the speed eating game. And I forgot to mention: I was the only one attempting to eat at lunch. We were running short on time (meaning 45 minutes instead of a full hour for lunch) so the analyst ordered her food to go after I ordered my food. Awesome. Thanks for making me eat by myself.
More or less sufficiently nourished, I returned to the office. I made the rounds and met with four different managers. I told them all about times when I had exhibited leadership and handled conflict on a team. At the end of my day, I debriefed with the HR manager who assured me that they would make a decision soon, but probably not until after the holidays. Fair enough. What was the outcome you ask? I heard nothing from this company for a full month, and then in mid-January, they had me come in for another round of interviews. After round two, I heard nothing. I called and emailed the recruiter but received no response. Finally at the end of February, I got a call from the recruiter thanking me for my time but telling me that they had decided the hire an undergrad instead. Cheaper labor, you know.
More Hall of Fame selections to come...
The first nod goes to an advertising agency that I interviewed with in December of 2009. I arrived at the office about 15 minutes early for my 9AM interview, and got busy filling out the paperwork that the receptionist gave me. (Hooray – an employment application! That must mean that there’s actually a job!) A few minutes later, my HR contact came to get me. As we strolled from the elevator, she informed me that I was going to take a brief test – an assessment if you will. Nothing to worry about she assured me. This was the same test that they had undergraduate analysts take. She was sure that I would do quite well. (If you’re so sure, then why do I still have to take this stupid test?) She got me settled into the test room (an empty office), and explained the logistics. I would have three hours (what happened to brief?!) to take the three part test. The first section was an Excel test, the second was a very short marketing case question, and the third section was composed of a couple of brainteasers. I immediately realized that I had not consumed enough coffee to prepare me for the morning that I was going to have.
I quickly read through all three parts, and determined that the Excel section would require the lion’s share of my efforts. I had seen both of the brainteasers before in trading interviews (ha!) and I was going to be able to easily answer the shit out of the marketing case question thanks to my good friends, the 4 P’s and the 3 C’s.
Resigning myself to the unpleasant task at hand, I opened the Excel assessment to find an unformatted spreadsheet with sales data for a theoretical retailer. My job was to summarize the retailer’s business performance over the past year, noting high points and low points, as well as make recommendations for the upcoming holiday season. Please note that said performance summaries and recommendations were to be put into a short Power Point deck. And the company was still running Office 2003, not 2007 (aka the version that I am better versed in). Ugh.
I scrolled through the sales data, and sat in momentary panic for a moment. I briefly entertained the idea of walking out, but I soon thought better of it. I told myself to man up, and I began my analysis in earnest. I pivot tabled away, and soon a clear picture of the retailer’s performance began to emerge. I sketched out a short deck on paper, and then began to put together the actual deck in Power Point. Unfortunately, I soon found myself in the middle of a no-holds-barred brawl with the Chart Wizard. What was wrong with the charting functionality in 2003? Why wouldn’t it behave nicely like the 2007 version? One thing was for sure: I wanted to kick that machine.
After wringing my hands for a few moments, I realized that I didn’t have enough time to turn in a deck with both quality content and stylish formatting. I made the game time decision to focus on content. Thus decided on the “basic” approach, I quickly pounded out a deck and turned my attention to the next section.
The marketing case was really a very simple product launch question. It was clearly no match for an MBA who had mastered the 4 P’s and 3 C’s. I got to work and in no time, I had concisely answered the question and made it my bitch.
Last section. First brainteaser: how many cats are there in the United States? The actual number isn’t what’s important; what they want to see is the logic I use to come to a solution. There are approximately 115 million households in the United States. I decided to assume that a certain percentage of households had cats, and out of that percentage, some had a single cat while others had multiple cats. In addition, I had to account for strays; I did so by assuming that the stray cat population actually outnumbered the adopted cat population. In layman's terms, I multiplied the adopted cat population by two to reach my final answer. (If I wanted to get cute, I could have noted the correlation between the number of single women and cats, but I decided not to go that route.) My assumptions were laid out so I just did a couple of quick calculations and presto, I had the cat population. Suffice it to say, some of my assumptions were off, but I thought my approach was valid. (Approximately 32% of households own cat(s)? Dang, I thought the number would be a lot lower.)
Second brainteaser: You have a balance scale and nine balls. All of the balls are identical, but one of the balls is heavier than the others. What is the minimum number of times that you would have to use the scale to find the heavier ball?
Thank you trading. You are about to save me a lot of time and brainpower. Two. Final answer. (Place 3 balls on each side of the scale and put 3 aside. If the scale balances, you know that the heavier ball is in the set sitting off to the side. If the scale doesn’t balance, you know that the heavier ball is in the set that is heavier on the scale. One you’ve narrowed it down to 3 balls, then place one on each side of the scale, and put one aside. The logic is the same as above.)
Incredibly happy to be done, I turned my test in. I had more interviews in the afternoon, but first it was lunch time. Unfortunately for me, it was a working lunch. To be clear, every time that you interact with someone from the company during the application process, it is an interview; that being said, was it really that crazy of me to assume that I’d actually get to eat during lunch? An analyst took me out for lunch at a nearby restaurant, but she couldn’t stop asking questions. She did not relent for the entire time that we were out, so I wound up trying to cram food into my mouth during the 5 second pause between questions. I was in famished super bitch mode at this point so I really did not appreciate the speed eating game. And I forgot to mention: I was the only one attempting to eat at lunch. We were running short on time (meaning 45 minutes instead of a full hour for lunch) so the analyst ordered her food to go after I ordered my food. Awesome. Thanks for making me eat by myself.
More or less sufficiently nourished, I returned to the office. I made the rounds and met with four different managers. I told them all about times when I had exhibited leadership and handled conflict on a team. At the end of my day, I debriefed with the HR manager who assured me that they would make a decision soon, but probably not until after the holidays. Fair enough. What was the outcome you ask? I heard nothing from this company for a full month, and then in mid-January, they had me come in for another round of interviews. After round two, I heard nothing. I called and emailed the recruiter but received no response. Finally at the end of February, I got a call from the recruiter thanking me for my time but telling me that they had decided the hire an undergrad instead. Cheaper labor, you know.
More Hall of Fame selections to come...
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