“How is this bozo employed” has recently become my new favorite game. Here’s how it works: you witness an act of stupidity performed by someone who is employed and then you wave your hands dramatically and exclaim “HOW IS THIS BOZO EMPLOYED?!” Let me emphasize that said idiocy must be carried out by someone who is gainfully employed; in fact, this is a key point because otherwise the game becomes “who is this bozo?” which is not nearly as entertaining.
I like this game because you can play it anywhere.
Example 1: You can play in the car!
Every time that I listen to FM radio in Chicago, I find myself asking “how is this bozo employed?” I don’t know if Chicago DJs are a special breed of moron or it's just a general occupational hazard, but it drives me bananas that not only are these people employed, but they are paid to publicly share their dim-witted thoughts. Recent morning show topics include Sticky Situations Involving a Mystery Toothbrush and Crank Calling Hypnotists – and those are some of the more cerebral examples. Really? Here’s an idea: why don’t you pay me to mouth off instead?
Example 2: You can play in the bar!
I am quick to make judgments when I make the acquaintance of a young professional in a bar. With cocktails facilitating the conversation, it usually isn’t too long before I am wondering “how is this bozo employed?” The discussion will almost always end on the same note: me informing my new banking executive BFF that I would probably be way better at his job than he is. (Note to the single ladies: this is NOT an effective way to pick up men.)
Example 3: You can play while eavesdropping!
Anyone who lives in a city can relate to this example. You’re on the train and the woman sitting next to you is yapping away into her cell phone. Her side of the conversation goes something like this:
“So today was like totally crazy at work. Ryan was flirting with me non-stop but I was all like leave me alone because I have work to do. [Pause] No, that’s Tim. I’d let him flirt with me on the clock… in fact, I’d let him do a lot of things to me on the clock. Definitely not Ryan though. He’s just not my type. Anywaaaaay then I had to take some clients out to lunch and it was sooooo boring. I wanted to go to that new place that just opened but my boss insisted that I take the group to this Japanese restaurant right by the office and I got stuck eating a bunch of mediocre spicy tuna rolls. At least I got to expense it. OMGgottarunthisismystop! Byeeeeeeee!”
Say it with me… “How is this bozo employed?”
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Enough About You, More About Me
You’d think that I would be a natural at interviewing. I mean, it’s the perfect set-up for an only child: just talk about yourself for 30-60 minutes straight! Cake. Unfortunately, recruiters and I tend to take divergent views on what constitutes an interesting topic of conversation. I like talking about Twilight and Mexican food; recruiters enjoy discussing my academic background and my professional work experience. BORING. If I had my way, interviews would be a lot more entertaining…
Q: Tell me about yourself.
A: I’m an Aquarius and I think that my mom is the coolest. My choices in footwear often render walking a near impossible task. My mastery of the French language both begins and ends with the sentence “Je voudrais un crepe avec nutella s’il vous plait” (I would like a crepe with Nutella please) – incidentally, this is a supremely useful phrase to know. Don Draper is my ideal husband (minus the rampant cheating). I can run train on bacon. I am a magnet for parking tickets. I have a gargoyle fixation that began in college. And oh yeah, I have mad marketing skillz.
Q: Describe your weaknesses. How do you compensate for them?
A: I’m extremely narcissistic but why would I want to compensate for that? A healthy dose of self-confidence never hurt anyone. I’m also overly competitive but I manage my competitive streak by only participating in contests where I am virtually guaranteed victory.
Q: Describe your leadership style.
A: I tend to employ the directive style of leadership. What this means is that I like to tell other people what to do.
Q: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
A: I play the lottery every week, using a proprietary algorithm to select the numbers. In about three years, I’m finally going to hit it big at which time I will take out a full page ad in the Wall Street Journal proclaiming “In Your Face MIT Blackjack Team”. I plan to use my winnings to purchase a farm just outside of Madrid where I will begin building my goat cheese empire. In my spare time, I will draft a proposal for a radio show named “Hit It or Quit It." I will co-host with one of my friends and the show will be broadcast on NPR.
Q: Are you comfortable with ambiguity?
A: Sure.
Q: How do you evaluate success?
A: In U.S. dollars.
Q: What approach do you take in getting people to accept your ideas?
A: Bribery is a pretty effective way to get people to do what you want. And if the ol’ carrot doesn’t work, go with the blackmail stick.
Q: Tell me about a time when you took the initiative on something.
A: I couldn’t figure out how to reposition our brand so I suggested that we call McKinsey. It was expensive but they made a really awesome deck for us.
Q: Tell me about a time when you were working on a team and there was a conflict.
A: Conflict only exists if you acknowledge it so I just ignore the problem. The situation will eventually work itself out and in the meantime I don’t have to deal with all that stress. Win-win!
Q: Tell me about yourself.
A: I’m an Aquarius and I think that my mom is the coolest. My choices in footwear often render walking a near impossible task. My mastery of the French language both begins and ends with the sentence “Je voudrais un crepe avec nutella s’il vous plait” (I would like a crepe with Nutella please) – incidentally, this is a supremely useful phrase to know. Don Draper is my ideal husband (minus the rampant cheating). I can run train on bacon. I am a magnet for parking tickets. I have a gargoyle fixation that began in college. And oh yeah, I have mad marketing skillz.
Q: Describe your weaknesses. How do you compensate for them?
A: I’m extremely narcissistic but why would I want to compensate for that? A healthy dose of self-confidence never hurt anyone. I’m also overly competitive but I manage my competitive streak by only participating in contests where I am virtually guaranteed victory.
Q: Describe your leadership style.
A: I tend to employ the directive style of leadership. What this means is that I like to tell other people what to do.
Q: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
A: I play the lottery every week, using a proprietary algorithm to select the numbers. In about three years, I’m finally going to hit it big at which time I will take out a full page ad in the Wall Street Journal proclaiming “In Your Face MIT Blackjack Team”. I plan to use my winnings to purchase a farm just outside of Madrid where I will begin building my goat cheese empire. In my spare time, I will draft a proposal for a radio show named “Hit It or Quit It." I will co-host with one of my friends and the show will be broadcast on NPR.
Q: Are you comfortable with ambiguity?
A: Sure.
Q: How do you evaluate success?
A: In U.S. dollars.
Q: What approach do you take in getting people to accept your ideas?
A: Bribery is a pretty effective way to get people to do what you want. And if the ol’ carrot doesn’t work, go with the blackmail stick.
Q: Tell me about a time when you took the initiative on something.
A: I couldn’t figure out how to reposition our brand so I suggested that we call McKinsey. It was expensive but they made a really awesome deck for us.
Q: Tell me about a time when you were working on a team and there was a conflict.
A: Conflict only exists if you acknowledge it so I just ignore the problem. The situation will eventually work itself out and in the meantime I don’t have to deal with all that stress. Win-win!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies
Tuesday
11:20AM – I receive a really interesting phone call from a recruiter in NYC.
“Hi, this is Lauren from Your Dream Company. Are you available to come in for an interview later this week, say Thursday? Sorry for the last minute notice but the hiring manager is heading to Asia on Friday and won’t be back until the end of the month.”
I’m not entirely sure why the recruiter assumed that I was a local candidate (as I have a Chicago address listed on my resume) but I certainly did not want to disabuse her of that notion.
“Unfortunately I’m actually in Chicago this week.” Like every other week. “Could we set up a phone interview instead?”
“Sure, let’s see” she responded. [Computer clicks] “How about tomorrow at 3PM?”
“That sounds great.” And I was in!
Wednesday
11:30AM – Operation Interview Prep commences. I interviewed with this company about a year ago so I already know a good deal about their business and culture. I take a quick cruise around the corporate website and begin to fantasize about my future employee discount.
2:51PM – I pick up my phone to send a quick text. Something is wrong though: my phone is off and the screen is blank. Blackberry, DO NOT do this to me now. Sighing, I flip my phone over, remove the SIM card, and replace it. The screen remains blank. Fine, I’ll just take out the battery then. I replace it and hold my breath. Great success: my phone begins to reboot.
2:58PM – My phone is STILL rebooting. T-T-Today junior!
3:01PM – My phone is finally back up and running.
3:02PM – The hiring manager calls. Thank goodness phone interviews always start a couple of minutes late.
3:26PM – We are wrapping up the phone call and the hiring manager says that she would like me to come in for an onsite interview. “So when are you going to be back in NYC?”
Crap! Make up something good. “Well, I’ll be in Chicago for the next few weeks while I finish up a project but I could be in New York by the end of the month.”
“Great, why don’t we plan on the 30th? In the next few days I’ll forward you an itinerary.”
3:28PM – The call ends. I go for a victory lap around the block.
11:20AM – I receive a really interesting phone call from a recruiter in NYC.
“Hi, this is Lauren from Your Dream Company. Are you available to come in for an interview later this week, say Thursday? Sorry for the last minute notice but the hiring manager is heading to Asia on Friday and won’t be back until the end of the month.”
I’m not entirely sure why the recruiter assumed that I was a local candidate (as I have a Chicago address listed on my resume) but I certainly did not want to disabuse her of that notion.
“Unfortunately I’m actually in Chicago this week.” Like every other week. “Could we set up a phone interview instead?”
“Sure, let’s see” she responded. [Computer clicks] “How about tomorrow at 3PM?”
“That sounds great.” And I was in!
Wednesday
11:30AM – Operation Interview Prep commences. I interviewed with this company about a year ago so I already know a good deal about their business and culture. I take a quick cruise around the corporate website and begin to fantasize about my future employee discount.
2:51PM – I pick up my phone to send a quick text. Something is wrong though: my phone is off and the screen is blank. Blackberry, DO NOT do this to me now. Sighing, I flip my phone over, remove the SIM card, and replace it. The screen remains blank. Fine, I’ll just take out the battery then. I replace it and hold my breath. Great success: my phone begins to reboot.
2:58PM – My phone is STILL rebooting. T-T-Today junior!
3:01PM – My phone is finally back up and running.
3:02PM – The hiring manager calls. Thank goodness phone interviews always start a couple of minutes late.
3:26PM – We are wrapping up the phone call and the hiring manager says that she would like me to come in for an onsite interview. “So when are you going to be back in NYC?”
Crap! Make up something good. “Well, I’ll be in Chicago for the next few weeks while I finish up a project but I could be in New York by the end of the month.”
“Great, why don’t we plan on the 30th? In the next few days I’ll forward you an itinerary.”
3:28PM – The call ends. I go for a victory lap around the block.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Comments From the Peanut Gallery
Up to this point, I’ve done a lot of hemming and hawing about the recruiting environment, but I haven’t actually shared my opinion on any marketing topics. Well that ends now. Today’s topic? Caribou Coffee.
Caribou is a gourmet coffeehouse operator primarily concentrated in the Midwest with over 500 retail outlets. It trades on the NASDAQ under the symbol CBOU and has a current market cap of $135 million. And to my point, Caribou’s marketing is a hot mess.
There are two main problems with Caribou’s tag line “Life is short. Stay awake for it.” First, it seems to be entirely detached from the mountain lodge feel of its retail outlets. What exactly is the connection between staying awake and relaxing in a mountain lodge? Second, and more importantly, Caribou is effectively positioning itself in the “coffee as fuel” category. Unfortunately for them, Dunkin’ got there first – “American Runs on Dunkin” anyone? And Dunkin’ has been taking names and generally kicking ass as the “coffee as fuel” brand. Going head to head with Dunkin’ in this capacity is a losing proposition and yet that is exactly what Caribou is currently doing.
What exactly does the Caribou brand stand for? To most consumers, Caribou is simply the coffee place that is not Starbucks. And that sort of brand association is not going to help Caribou gain any market share. I think that Caribou’s real points of differentiation are free wi-fi and community. By community, I am referring to the fact that most Caribou locations have a room that can used for anything from book club gatherings to meetings of the local Boy Scout chapter – bet you didn’t know that. And that’s the problem.
Why doesn’t Caribou position itself as the coffee place where communities can come together? The mountain lodge design of its retail stores would support this type of community positioning as mountain lodges are inviting and comfortable places where people typically gather and relax. This positioning is not the same as that of Starbucks; Starbucks’ “Third Place” speaks to the individual (who spends time at home, work, and Starbucks) and not the community. In addition, free wi-fi is a natural tie-in to the community positioning that I am proposing because modern communities need to be digitally connected.
Caribou has an advantage over brands that do not have any retail outlets because it can tell its brand story exactly how it wants it told. However, this advantage is negated if Caribou’s story does not resonate with consumers. In that case, Caribou simply has significantly higher overhead expenses compared with those of its competitors in the grocery aisle. Caribou would realize a substantial ROI by clarifying its positioning to establish a more robust brand. Caribou’s coffeehouses represent 90% of net sales; once the retail outlets have been effectively leveraged, Caribou will enjoy a halo effect on the commercial and franchise business segments, which currently comprise approximately 10% of net sales.
But hey, what do I know?
Caribou is a gourmet coffeehouse operator primarily concentrated in the Midwest with over 500 retail outlets. It trades on the NASDAQ under the symbol CBOU and has a current market cap of $135 million. And to my point, Caribou’s marketing is a hot mess.
There are two main problems with Caribou’s tag line “Life is short. Stay awake for it.” First, it seems to be entirely detached from the mountain lodge feel of its retail outlets. What exactly is the connection between staying awake and relaxing in a mountain lodge? Second, and more importantly, Caribou is effectively positioning itself in the “coffee as fuel” category. Unfortunately for them, Dunkin’ got there first – “American Runs on Dunkin” anyone? And Dunkin’ has been taking names and generally kicking ass as the “coffee as fuel” brand. Going head to head with Dunkin’ in this capacity is a losing proposition and yet that is exactly what Caribou is currently doing.
What exactly does the Caribou brand stand for? To most consumers, Caribou is simply the coffee place that is not Starbucks. And that sort of brand association is not going to help Caribou gain any market share. I think that Caribou’s real points of differentiation are free wi-fi and community. By community, I am referring to the fact that most Caribou locations have a room that can used for anything from book club gatherings to meetings of the local Boy Scout chapter – bet you didn’t know that. And that’s the problem.
Why doesn’t Caribou position itself as the coffee place where communities can come together? The mountain lodge design of its retail stores would support this type of community positioning as mountain lodges are inviting and comfortable places where people typically gather and relax. This positioning is not the same as that of Starbucks; Starbucks’ “Third Place” speaks to the individual (who spends time at home, work, and Starbucks) and not the community. In addition, free wi-fi is a natural tie-in to the community positioning that I am proposing because modern communities need to be digitally connected.
Caribou has an advantage over brands that do not have any retail outlets because it can tell its brand story exactly how it wants it told. However, this advantage is negated if Caribou’s story does not resonate with consumers. In that case, Caribou simply has significantly higher overhead expenses compared with those of its competitors in the grocery aisle. Caribou would realize a substantial ROI by clarifying its positioning to establish a more robust brand. Caribou’s coffeehouses represent 90% of net sales; once the retail outlets have been effectively leveraged, Caribou will enjoy a halo effect on the commercial and franchise business segments, which currently comprise approximately 10% of net sales.
But hey, what do I know?
Monday, March 8, 2010
It really grinds my gears...
B-school and I are officially fighting. And I'm not talking a "you forgot to take out the trash" type of spat. No, I'm talking a "filing for divorce in the morning" brawl. What in particular is grinding my gears, you ask?
1) Despite the fact that I have not actually had any sort of income since mid-2007, my dear alma mater frequently emails me to solicit donations. Excuse me, but I just spent two years and a considerable amount of money learning about investments and - correct me if I'm wrong - I'm fairly certain that it's not good business sense to take on credit card debt in order to pay additional money to an institution that already has you by the balls for an enormous amount of student loan debt. And don't give me the "it will increase the value of your education" crap. Yes, alumni donation participation statistics are one of the metrics used to determine school rankings, which will indirectly affect the value of my MBA in the future. However, I'm willing to live dangerously and bet on the generosity of older, more financially stable alums. Let's just call this year a mulligan and I promise to start donating when I actually have a paycheck. Deal?
2) A friend of mine was recently denied admission. Is this an entirely personal complaint? Yes. Am I still pissed? You know it. Seriously, my buddy wasn't just Random Applicant. He is the graduate of a stellar undergrad program, has a fantastic job and solid GMATs, and is an exceptional writer (seriously, I ALWAYS have snarky editorial comments but I could do little to improve upon his application essays because they were perfection). What I'm trying to say is that my friend is no slouch. And other b-schools agreed because they let him in. Why couldn't my alma mater follow suit and give me a solid excuse to visit campus for two more years? Now I'm just going to be that Creepy Alum. Thanks a lot, b-school.
3) Shame on the staff of my school's career development office. I wag my finger at them for putting up postings for roles titled Rainmaker and Au Pair. And don't even get me started on all the spam postings from Ivy Exec and MBA Forum. Breaking news: I have a computer and can find those postings on my own. Why don't you go ahead and source some jobs that aren't open to the general public? Thanks.
B-school, you can have your stupid ring back. I never really loved you anyway.
1) Despite the fact that I have not actually had any sort of income since mid-2007, my dear alma mater frequently emails me to solicit donations. Excuse me, but I just spent two years and a considerable amount of money learning about investments and - correct me if I'm wrong - I'm fairly certain that it's not good business sense to take on credit card debt in order to pay additional money to an institution that already has you by the balls for an enormous amount of student loan debt. And don't give me the "it will increase the value of your education" crap. Yes, alumni donation participation statistics are one of the metrics used to determine school rankings, which will indirectly affect the value of my MBA in the future. However, I'm willing to live dangerously and bet on the generosity of older, more financially stable alums. Let's just call this year a mulligan and I promise to start donating when I actually have a paycheck. Deal?
2) A friend of mine was recently denied admission. Is this an entirely personal complaint? Yes. Am I still pissed? You know it. Seriously, my buddy wasn't just Random Applicant. He is the graduate of a stellar undergrad program, has a fantastic job and solid GMATs, and is an exceptional writer (seriously, I ALWAYS have snarky editorial comments but I could do little to improve upon his application essays because they were perfection). What I'm trying to say is that my friend is no slouch. And other b-schools agreed because they let him in. Why couldn't my alma mater follow suit and give me a solid excuse to visit campus for two more years? Now I'm just going to be that Creepy Alum. Thanks a lot, b-school.
3) Shame on the staff of my school's career development office. I wag my finger at them for putting up postings for roles titled Rainmaker and Au Pair. And don't even get me started on all the spam postings from Ivy Exec and MBA Forum. Breaking news: I have a computer and can find those postings on my own. Why don't you go ahead and source some jobs that aren't open to the general public? Thanks.
B-school, you can have your stupid ring back. I never really loved you anyway.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Admirals Club!
I was recently at a housewarming party and one of the characters in attendance was a newly-minted consultant (I'm talking started-work-that-week new). The novelty of consulting was still very much intact for him. Bursting with excitement, my friend regaled the entire party with tales of his consulting exploits. My favorite excerpt from the evening:
“Yeah, my flight on Thursday was delayed so I just hung out in the Admiral’s Club for a couple of hours. Honestly, I don’t know how I ever traveled without it." [He says this with a straight face and then pauses, suddenly looking aghast as he recalls his years of Admiral-free flight.] Recovering quickly, he then yells out "ADMIRALS CLUB!!!"
For the record, my solidly unemployed self had racked up twice as many air miles as he had over the course of that week. Count it: ORD-LGA, EWR-ORD, ORD-LGA, LGA-ORD. Admirals Club indeed.
“Yeah, my flight on Thursday was delayed so I just hung out in the Admiral’s Club for a couple of hours. Honestly, I don’t know how I ever traveled without it." [He says this with a straight face and then pauses, suddenly looking aghast as he recalls his years of Admiral-free flight.] Recovering quickly, he then yells out "ADMIRALS CLUB!!!"
For the record, my solidly unemployed self had racked up twice as many air miles as he had over the course of that week. Count it: ORD-LGA, EWR-ORD, ORD-LGA, LGA-ORD. Admirals Club indeed.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Recruiting Haiku
Education
What a fucking waste of time
I am still stupid
Full disclosure: I did not write this. The origins of this particular haiku have been traced back to the (now defunct) Shoreland Dormitory of the University of Chicago in the early 2000s but the actual author has not been identified. However, it is clearly too amazing not to be shared. Plus since I've had this posted on my fridge for the past seven or eight years, I feel a legitimate sense of ownership.
What a fucking waste of time
I am still stupid
Full disclosure: I did not write this. The origins of this particular haiku have been traced back to the (now defunct) Shoreland Dormitory of the University of Chicago in the early 2000s but the actual author has not been identified. However, it is clearly too amazing not to be shared. Plus since I've had this posted on my fridge for the past seven or eight years, I feel a legitimate sense of ownership.
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